When you put someone on a pedestal. Check yourself.

We all do it from time to time. We meet the insecure intern who needs a self esteem boost, the lost little girl who needs to learn to love herself, the colleague who hasn’t found her bearings yet.

So we put them on a pedestal. Give them opportunities they haven’t earned but to help boost their profile, buy that dress they can’t afford so they feel pretty too, shower them with love and praise in public so they can be recognized and seen.

I’ve realized of late there is a nasty underbelly to benevolence. It can sneak up in there without warning. It can be used as a weapon against you if you aren’t careful and the self inflicted injury is actually more potent.

Some things to ask when you put someone on a pedestal:

Are you really doing this to uplift and elevate or are you hiding behind them?

Are you helping build them up or are you really putting yourself down?

Are you really calling in their highest self or are you appealing to the self doubt in your lower self?

Are you really celebrating their beauty or are you refusing to see your own?

Are you really expressing your love for them or you refusing to love yourself?

Are you recognizing someone’s value or are you failing to see your own?

Are you acknowledging someone’s worth or are you failing to know your own?

Are you putting someone first or putting yourself last?

I’ve been re-reading Frankenstein lately. This book has fascinated me since I was a little girl.

The idea that someone could create something so beautiful and despite best efforts actually create a monster never sat well with me. I always thought if Dr. Frankenstein worked harder, he would have been able to create anything he wanted. Wisdom, years and experiences have taught me otherwise, of course.

The thing about Dr. Frankenstein, the book and the character, that most people don’t get is that his own ego is what did him in. The idea that he could be creator was driven by his needs, not that of his “creation.” He was misguided and it eventually led to his fall.

No one can create another. They are not yours to create. You rob them of their own magic when you try to do so. Everyone must create themselves. When you attempt to create, shape, mentor or guide, under the guise of benevolence, what you create instead is bad karma. For yourself and your “creation.” It is a losing proposition for all.

That is the very point of the novel: check your ego, check yourself. Benevolence is self serving and will bite you in the ass and it’s unfair to those you seek to serve.

Dr. Frankenstein eventually dies alone, and before the monster. The monster, it appears, waits for him in the end. He was arguably no monster at all, he just turned because it was inevitable. That is the tragedy of caretaking and benevolence.

I spent the majority of my life putting people in pedestals. I used to pride myself in opening up my heart and lending a helping hand. Then it got out of hand.

I look back at old pictures and I’m hiding in the back.

I review old memories and my needs were never fully met.

I placed others ahead of me because I was afraid to be seen. I would do it with plenty of people around me, yet find places to hide.

I thought the best of me could be expressed in my love of others, but would get disappointed when I’d see it taken for granted.

I’d watch loved ones take whatever they wanted from my life without blinking or having an understanding that somethings were only meant for me.

I would request boundaries rather than draw a line in the sand.

I would watch in astonishment and hope for change rather than stand up for myself.

I would falsely claim that I was happy to share or that my evolved consciousness allowed for no expectations in return.

I would watch the people and things that mattered to me the most get taken away or lose them because I didn’t have the courage to stand up for myself or say No! You can’t have that too! or Hey! That’s mine.

I would would shower others with praise for basic things they should be doing anyway as decent humans.

I would suffer in silence.

What’s worse is I would do so behind a facade of “I’m alright” or “I’ve got my shit together” or “You need this more than me”

Being perceived as a strong woman doesn’t help either. We crumble too. We bleed too. We have needs too. In fact our tough armour is designed to protect the softest of interiors.

But when placing someone else on a pedestal, that of all gets overshadowed. As if their needs, and their vulnerabilities and their softness is put on display and made a priority and yours become non-existent. It also makes their needs almost hypnotic to the right audience if you are not careful.

Here are some additional shitty things about putting someone on a pedestal or creating them:

They will always fall. Without exception. No one can stay on a pedestal for too long. Their stuff will eventually come up and if they feel like they haven’t earned their place, they will self destruct and hurt you in the process.

They will always fail because you unknowingly have set them up to do so.

They will always bite the hand that fed them.

The end will always be death and destruction.

In the end, they will always resent you or will not have the facilities to thank you.

Moral of the story? Focusing on building yourself up. Let others create themselves. It levels the playing field and gives everyone the space and freedom to own their own light.